Joke Time - Unang Putok

Erap Jokes

peace and order

prez bush and erap visited mindanao.Bush: By d way mr. president hows d present peace n order here in mindanao?Erap: A ung fish marami d2 pro ung order wala pa!!!

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pasa load

ERAP: Loi, pasahan mo nga ako ng 2 my importante lang akong itetext. ~ LOI: (P2 send) ~ ERAP: (message received) OK!! got it thanks! ~ LOI: Tanga! wag ka ng magreply, Sayang!! ~ ERAP: ok!

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DNA Test

You can now identify people through DNA: Taong-grasa : DNAliligo ~ Unano : DNAtatangkad ~ Payatot : DNAkumakain ~ Osama Bin Laden : DNAhuhuli ~ Ping Lacson : DNAtatakot ~Erap : DNAmakapambabae ~GMA : DNAaamin ~

dagdag ko lng Govyerno: DNAkikinig..ehehehe

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Erap & d' Steward

Steward: Sir r u done? ~ Erap: No, i'm Erap ~ Steward: i mean r u finished sir? ~ Erap: No, i'm a Filipino ~ Steward: i mean r u through? ~ Erap: Wat do u think of me FALSE?

Someone to watch over me

Beutiful girls

his version
by Sean Kingston


You're way too beautiful girl
That's why it will never work
You'll have me suicidal, suicidal
When you say it's over
Damn all these beautiful girls
They only wanna do you dirt
They'll have you suicidal, suicidal
When they say it's over

Jr. Sean kingston
See it started at the park, used to chill after dark
Oh, when you took my arm, that's when we fell apart
Cause we both thought, that love last forever
They say we're to young, to get ourselves' sprung
Oh we didn't care, we made it very clear
And they also said, that we couldn't last together
See it's very divine, you're one of a kind
But you mush up my mind, you ought to get declined
Oh Lord
My baby is driving me crazy

You're way too beautiful girl
That's why it will never work
You'll have me suicidal, suicidal
When you say it's over
Damn all these beautiful girls
They only wanna do you dirt
They'll have you suicidal, suicidal
When they say it's over

It was back in 99, watching movies all the time
Oh when i went away for doing my first crime
And I never thought, that we was gonna see each other
And then I came out, mommy move me down south
And oh, I was with my girl, who i though was my world
It came out to be, that she wasn't the girl for me
see it's very divine, you're one of a kind
but you mush up my mind, you ought to get declined
oh lord my baby is driving me crazy

You're way too beautiful girl
That's why it will never work
You'll have me suicidal, suicidal
When you say it's over
Damn all these beautiful girls
They only wanna do you dirt
They'll have you suicidal, suicidal
When they say it's over

now we are fussing and now we are fighting
please tell me why, i'm feeling slighted
and i don't know, how to make it better
your dating other guys, your telling me lies
oh i can't believe what i'm seeing with my eyes
i'm losing my mind, and i don't think it's clever

You're way too beautiful girl
That's why it will never work
You'll have me suicidal, suicidal
When you say it's over
Damn all these beautiful girls
They only wanna do you dirt
They'll have you suicidal, suicidal, suicidallll


our reply
by jojo



Beautiful Girls

I'm way too cool for ya boy
That's why it'll never work
I'll have you suicidal, suicidal
When I say it's over
Damn all these beautiful girls
We're only gonna do your dirt
We'll have you suicidal, suicidal
When I say it's over

Yeah yeah

I remember when
I was hanging with my friends
That's when I caught your eye
You thought that I was fly
Right then you wished that I would be your baby (be your baby)
You try to get some game
Asking me girl what ya name
All that ice upon ya chain
So I asked you the same
Something tells me that we have fun together (fun together)

I ain't easy to find
I'm a one of a kind
Oh when I judge your wine
I know your only mine
Tonight is yours
Tomorrow is for another guy (another guy)

I'm way too cool for ya boy
That's why it'll never work
I'll have you suicidal, suicidal
When I say it's over
Damn all these beautiful girls
We're only gonna do your dirt
We'll have you suicidal, suicidal
When I say it's over

You've been calling me
Leaving messages all week
Was your curiousity
Got ya knees weak
I'm not looking for a man
So I don't want no confusion (no confusion)
I took ya to the floor
Got ya begging me for more
But that was my queue to go
So I hit the door
I let you hot
With your mind used to running wild (running wild)

I ain't easy to find
I'm a one of a kind
Oh when I judge your wine
I know your only mine
If you stick around
Be careful not to fall in love (fall in love)

I'm way too cool for ya boy
That's why it'll never work
I'll have you suicidal, suicidal
When I say it's over
Damn all these beautiful girls
We're only gonna do your dirt
We'll have you suicidal, suicidal
When I say it's over

Now a couple months have past
Never thought that this would last
Oh everybody asked
How ya got a girl like that
But you should've known
That nothing lasts forever (lasts forever)
I mashed up ya mind
When I tell you lies
But boy don't be suprised
That I'm seeing other guys
I'm too young to settle
And you should've known better (known better)

Damn all these beautiful girls (you should have known)
We're only gonna do your dirt (cos I'll have)
I'll have you suicidal, suicidal
When I say it's over

britains' got talent Connie Talbot age 6

Connie Talbot age 6

Semi-finals - Ben



finals - Somewhore over the rainbow

Pussycat dolls - Bottons live (Best Performance)

X rated poem

BEFORE YOU READ BABY THINK ON MY HAND IN YOUR PANTIES CUZ IM SPLIPRY IN LOVE YOU CAN SEE FROM EYES ONLY IF YOU DON`T HAVE LOVE EYES THEN YOU WILL NOT SEE IT SO HOW YOU WILL FEEL WHEN MY FIVE FINGERS IN YOUR pANTIES **UUMM**COME ONN BOY MORE FINGER ME HARDER MORE MORE UHHHNUUMM IS HURT*** SUCK MY PUSSY BABY UUUMM U MAKE WANN EAT UR DICK UP *** HARDER BABY HARDER *** I WILL NOT LOVE MORE ONE MORE THEN YOU ** IS DAT WAT U GON SAY WHEN MY HANDS IN YOUR PANTIES BABY REPLY CUZ I CAN WRITE YOU MORE PEOM THAT CAN TURN YOU AND MAKE U WET HAHAHA

I slide my fingers beneath your panties,
Pass the garden you display.
Pausing at your flowers entry,
Where my fingers slowly play.
I feel your heats drawing power,
I feel the softness of your skin.
I slowly enter with my finger,
As you pull me further in.
Your hips rock to forward motion,
Steady pace for what you seek.
Pleasure in the simplest action,
Takes you up on passions peak.
Our kisses deepen with each second,
Tongues drinking lovers wine.
Without intent their keeping rhythm,
Synchronized in perfect time.
Our lips part for sighing moments,
Cries of ecstasies release.
Heavy breath in rapid breathing,
With one goal, to only please.
Trailing kisses to your nipples,
Rising up to meet my lips,
Circling motions purchase pleasure,
With not a single pleasure missed.
Further down across your belly,
Nearing to your gardens gate.
I take in your flowers fragrance,
Craving now your flowers taste.
I slowly part your lips of passion,
Slip my tongue inside your door.
One taste is but an appetizer,
I go back while seeking more.
I slide my palm across your stomach,
Your hands holding to me tight.
In moans you rock me in your garden,
A quickened pace to our delight.
Your thighs tighten then start shaking,
To vibrate my lips below.
Releasing moans of sexual tension,
Before your hand will let me go.
I slide up along beside you,
With pleasured laughs you roll on top.
Your fingers wrap around my handle,
Gently holding passions rod.
Up and down your hand is moving,
Priming for what's next to be.
Lips tighten for my pleasure,
Then slide down the length of me.
Pausing there for passing moments,
Then repeat your destined coarse.
Up and down repeated motion,
Your lips are now my pleasured source.
You break your rhythm for fleeting moments,
Then return again to find,
An eager member waits attentive,
For the love that you provide.
I finally end the love your giving,
Stopping all your gentle play.
I want our love to find its climax,
In a much different way.
You are sitting now upon me,
My palms hold your rising breasts.
I enter slow into your chamber,
Feel the heat from your love nest.
Your hands rest upon my stomach,
As you slide me deep inside.
You increase your gentle bouncing,
To a fast and furious ride.
We can feel the friction rising,
Lighting up what once was dark.
To ignite a raging furnace,
Starting out with just a spark.
We explode through all life's tension,
To freedom only sex can claim.
A needed moment for our bodies,
Provided by a lovers game.

Things i do when im on a sick leave =)

watch dvd - lahat ng na miss kong palabas
Transformer
the simpsons movie
quija
die hard 4
harry potter
ratatouille (ay di ko pl npannod ayaw mag play s aking pirated na dvd)..ehehe

at advance na ako
hairspray.. yehey!!

mag laro ngword hunt
na lagi kong tinutulugan
di ko mahanap kasi naipit sa cover ng dvd
interesting sya pag mabagal magbukas ng computer mo

eat galore
bilo-bilo
pancit canton ( di ko alam kung kailan ako last tym naka kain nun)
buko festival
sweets overload
ubusin ang pasalubong (ehehe joke lng)

watch tv till morning..

maiba nman

hay ang labo ng buhay pag ibig ko..

grrrr....

tanga na tlg ako..

kala ko madami na akong alam pero pag sa sarili ko wala akong magandang ginagwa..

puro katangahan..

its always running after the one i love...

y not walk na lang.. ehehe

buhay buhay...

good luck..

Sabihin by Zelle

SABIHIN



Bakit wala ka pa?
Kasama ka'y parang nag-iisa:
Pangakong nag-mamahal,
aalis ka rin pala



Sabihin mo na kung babalik ka pa,..
para di na mag-hintay.
Sabihin mo na kung aayaw ka na,
para lang malaman ko.



Naririnig mo ba ako?
Sigaw ko ba'y walang tinig?
Naka-yukong walang imik,
naririnig naman ako.


Sabihin mo na kung babalik ka pa,..
para di na mag-hintay.
Sabihin mo na kung aayaw ka na,
para lang malaman ko



Iiyak nalang…iiyak nalng



Bakit wala ka pa?
Naririnig naman ako



Sabihin mo na kung babalik ka pa,..
para di na mag-hintay.
Sabihin mo na kung aayaw ka na,
para lang malaman ko.

fun way to brush your teeth

hipo and dog animation

i will survive - jesus spoof

alone

i txted almost all the people i can talk to..

wala.. walang makausap

walang makaramay sa naramdaman ko ngayon..

i feel so alone

i was left with empty hand...

wrong moves

wrong person

and a broken heart.

LIFE

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 17 success is . . having a drivers licence.
At age 35 success is . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 70 success is . .. . having a drivers licence.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
Cool You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.


GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when yo u choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

The Packet of Cookies

A young lady was waiting for her flight in the boarding room of a big airport.

As she would need to wait many hours, she decided to buy a book to spend her time. She also bought a packet of cookies.

She sat down in an armchair, in the VIP room of the airport to rest and read in peace.

Beside the armchair where the packet of cookies lay, a man sat down on the next seat, opened his magazine and started reading.

When she took out the first cookie, the man took also one. She felt irritated but she said nothing. She just thought: "What a nerve! If I was in the mood, I would punch him for daring!"

For each cookie she took, the man took one too. This was infuriating her but she didn't want to cause a scene.

When only one cookie remained, she thought: "Ah... What this abusive man do now?" Then the man, taking the last cookie, divided it into half, giving her one half.

Ah! That was too much! She was too much angry now! In a huff, she too her book, her things and stormed to the boarding place.

When she sat down in her seat, inside the plane, she looked into her purse to take her eyeglasses, and, to her surprise, her packet of cookies was there, untouched, unopened!

She felt so ashamed!! She realized that she was wrong... She had forgotten that her cookies were kept in her purse.

The man had divided his cookies with her, without feeling angered or bitter.

... While she had been very angry, thinking that she was dividing her cookies with him. And now there is no chance to explain herself... nor to apologize.

There are 4 things that you cannot recover.

The stone... after the throw!

The word... after it's said!

The occasion... after the loss!

The time... after it's gone!

Heaven's Phone Book

Does Heaven have a phone number?

Mommy went to Heaven,

but I need her here today,

My tummy hurts and I fell down,

I need her right away,

I really need your help, operater

to find her in this book?

Is heaven in the yellow part,

I don't know where to look.

I think my daddy needs her too,

at night I hear him cry.

I hear him call her name sometimes,

but I really don't know why.

Maybe if I call her,

she will hurry home to me.

Is Heaven very far away,

is it across the sea?

She's been gone a long, long time

she needs to come home now!

I really need to reach her,

but I simply don't know how.

Help me find the number please,

is it listed under Heaven?

I can't read these big big words,

I am only seven.

I'm sorry operator,

I didn't mean to make you cry,

Is your tummy hurting too,

or is there something in your eye?

If I call my church maybe they will know.

Mommy said when we need help

that's where we should go.

I found the number to my church

tacked up on the wall.

Thank you operator,

I'll give them a call.

Abortion

Dear Mommy,



I am in Heaven now, sitting on Jesus' lap.

He loves me and cries with me; for my heart has been broken.

I so wanted to be your little girl. I don't quite understand what has happened.

I was so excited when I began realizing my existence.

I was in a dark, yet comfortable place. I saw I had fingers and toes.

I was pretty far along in my developing, yet not near ready to leave my surroundings.

I spent most of my time thinking or sleeping.

Even from my earliest days, I felt a special bonding between you and me.

Sometimes I heard you crying and I cried with you. Sometimes you would yell or scream, then cry.

I heard Daddy yelling back.

I was sad, and hoped you would be better soon.

I wondered why you cried so much. One day you cried almost all of the day.

I hurt for you. I couldn't imagine why you were so unhappy.

That same day, the most horrible thing happened.

A very mean monster came into that warm, comfortable place I was in.

I was so scared, I began screaming, but you never once tried to help me.

Maybe you never heard me.

The monster got closer and closer as I was screaming and screaming,

"Mommy, Mommy, help me please; Mommy, help me."

Complete terror is all I felt.

I screamed and screamed until I thought I couldn't anymore.

Then the monster started ripping my arms off.

It hurt so bad; the pain I can never explain.

It didn't stop. Oh, how I begged it to stop.

I screamed in horror as it ripped my leg off.

Though I was in such complete pain, I was dying.

I knew I would never see your face or hear you say how much you love me.

I wanted to make all your tears go away.

I had so many plans to make you happy.

Now I couldn't; all my dreams were shattered.

Though I was in utter pain and horror, I felt the pain of my heart breaking, above all.

I wanted more than anything to be your daughter.

No use now, for I was dying a painful death.

I could only imagine the terrible things that they had done to you.

I wanted to tell you that I love you before I was gone, but I didn't know the words you could understand.

And soon, I no longer had the breath to say them; I was dead.

I felt myself rising. I was being carried by a huge angel into a big beautiful place.

I was still crying, but the physical pain was gone.

The angel took me to Jesus and set me on His lap.

He said He loved me, and He was my Father. Then I was happy. I asked Him what the thing was that killed me. He answered, "Abortion.

I am sorry, my child; for I know how it feels."

I don't know what abortion is;

I guess that's the name of the monster.



I'm writing to say that I love you and to tell you how much I wanted to be your little girl.

I tried very hard to live.

I wanted to live. I had the will, but I couldn't; the monster was too powerful.

It sucked my arms and legs off and finally got all of me. It was impossible to live.

I just wanted you to know I tried to stay with you.

I didn't want to die.



Also, Mommy, please watch out for that abortion monster.

Mommy, I love you and I would hate for you to go through the kind of pain I did.



Please be careful.





Love,


Your Baby Girl

Prayer

-unknown author-


A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story & listened to her prayers which ended by saying: "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma & good-bye Grandpa."

The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?" The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do." The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed & listened to her prayers which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy & good-bye Grandma.." The next day the grandmother died. Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: "God bless Mommy & good-bye Daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night & got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch & watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch & jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief & went home.

When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late; what's the matter?" He said, "I don't want to talk about it; I've just spent the worst day of my life." She said, "You think you had a bad day; you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf instructor dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"

How to Install Love

-unknown author-


Tech Support: Yes, how can I help you?

Customer: Well, after much consideration, I've decided to install Love. Can you guide me though the process?

Tech Support: Yes. I can help you. Are you ready to proceed?

Customer: Well, I'm not very technical, but I think I'm ready. What do I do first?

Tech Support: The first step is to open your Heart. Have you located your Heart?

Customer: Yes, but there are several other programs running now. Is it okay to install Love while they are running?

Tech Support: What programs are running?

Customer: Let's see...I have Past Hurt, Low Self-Esteem, Grudge and Resentment running right now.

Tech Support: No problem, Love will gradually erase Past Hurt from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory but it will no longer disrupt other programs. Love will eventually override Low Self-Esteem with a module of its own called High Self-Esteem. However, you have to completely turn off Grudge and Resentment. Those programs prevent Love from being properly installed. Can you turn those off?

Customer: I don't know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?

Tech Support: With pleasure. Go to your start menu and invoke Forgiveness. Do this as many times as necessary until Grudge and Resentment have been completely erased.

Customer: Okay, done! Love has started installing itself. Is that normal?

Tech Support: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You need to begin connecting to other Hearts in order to get the upgrades.

Customer: Oops! I have an error message already. It says, "Error - Program not run on external components." What should I do?

Tech Support: Don't worry. It means that the Love program is set up to run on Internal Hearts, but has not yet been run on your Heart. In non-technical terms, it simply means you have to Love yourself before you can Love others.

Customer: So, what should I do?

Tech Support: Pull down Self-Acceptance; then click on the following files: Forgive-Self; Realize Your Worth; and Acknowledge your Limitations.

Customer: Okay, done.

Tech Support: Now, copy them to the "My Heart" directory. The system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching faulty programming. Also, you need to delete Verbose Self-Criticism from all directories and empty your Recycle Bin to make sure it is completely gone and never comes back.

Customer: Got it. Hey! My heart is filling up with new files. Smile is playing on my monitor and Peace and Contentment are copying themselves all over My Heart. Is this normal?

Tech Support: Sometimes. For others it takes awhile, but eventually everything gets it at the proper time. So Love is installed and running. One more thing before we hang up. Love is Freeware. Be sure to give it and its various modules to everyone you meet. They will in turn share it with others and return some cool modules back to you.

Customer: Thank you, God.

10 signs kapag brokenhearted

1.) Hunger stroke- Kahit na gutom hindi parin kumakain.Minsan hindi makaramdam ng gutom..malalaman mo na lang na kailangan mo nang kumain kapag randam mo na nahihilo ka na.

2.) Lamoness- Ito yung tipo na gusto mo na lang kumain, lahat..basta masarap pero pag kumakain ka naman e lumilipad sa kawalan ang isipan at parang wala kang nalalasahan.

3.) Kama derie- Palaging nasa kama. Pero hindi naman natutulog.Mas feel mo na patay ang ilaw..nag iimagine ng mga good memories ninyo then kung ano yung bagay na kapalpakan na iniisip mong sana hindi nalang nanyari then saka ka magiisip na sana totoong may time machine.

4.) Kama tose- Palaging nasa kama rin. Pero para matulog lang. Tulog lang ang sagot sa problema. Magigising ka na lang para kumain ng konti, jumingel, o magbasa ng text message at nagbabaka sakali na may marereceive kang txt messages na " I miss u d q pla kyang mwala ka, tyo na ulet" or "Ikw pla tlaga ang lab q,at hindi sya".

5.) Mall freak- Feel mo na i treat na lang ang sarili. Bibili ka ng kahit na kung anong gusto mong bilhin(kapag may pera). Sa pag uwi saka mo lang mapapansin na mga walang kwentang bagay pala ang pinamili mo.

6.) The Barkad's- Mag aaya ka ng mga kaibigan mo na mag mall kayo o mamasyal, kadalasan yung mga kaibigan na alam mong kilala at alam ang kwento ninyo. Umaasa ka rin sa mga comments na tulad ng mga ganito "Feel ko mahal ka parin nun, Siya ang may mali pare, Ipakikilala kita sa ibang kilala ko na mas maganda pa ron(my favorite), Magkakabalikan rin kayo" at iba pang comments na alam mong makakapag paginhawa sa iyo.

7.) Beermate- Common na ito.Kadalasang unang ginagawa sa unang araw na nabasted/nakipag break ang dyowa/may ibang lalaki ang dyowa/dating lalaki pala ang dyowa.
May 2 uri nito.

1.)Mas gusto ng may kasama para may paglalabasan ng sama ng loob.
2.)Mas prefer na walang kasama. Mas gustong nagiisa. Kapag lasing sila yung kadalasang nagpapakilalang anak ng mayor,congressman o general.

8.) Suicidal- Common na rin. Minsan panakot lang. Kadalasang may titulo na "Mahal na mahal kita" "Hindi ko kayang mawala ka" ang mga suicide notes. Pang jologs na style e yung text message sa mahal mo na magpapakamatay ka then saka mag we wait ng mga ilang oras para sa reply nya na "Wag mong i2loy yan, mgusap tyo, mhal prin kta".

9.) Internitwit- Ito yung mga tipo ng sa internet naglalabas ng sama ng loob. Tambay ng chatrooms at nagbabaka sakaling may makikitang kapalit nya at mawawala yung pagka broken hearted in a instant. Meron ding sumasali ng mga internet forums para lang mambwiset.

10.) Haterz- Ito yung kadalasang kinauuwian ng mga mabababaw. Ito yung tipo na sisisihin ang lahat ng ka gender ng nanakit sa iyo. Nagiging favorite motto ang: "Pare pareho lang yang mga lalaki/babae..mga manloloko".